Managing Big Feelings for Children and Adolescents
- Jan 8
- 20 min read
Updated: Mar 16

At Manly Minds, we are committed to helping parents understand their children and what they need. Managing big emotions in our kids is one of the hardest things we have to do as parents. When they are little, their meltdowns feel loud, out of control and irrational a lot of the time. As our kids get older, their meltdowns feel just as out of our control, and can sometimes feel like defiance, meanness and sometimes just deliberate misbehaviour.
This foundational article will help explain some basics of emotion regulation in children and teens and provide an overview of skills that are useful for every parent to have in their ‘toolbox’ to help guide their children.
If you are joining us in therapy, we will help you and your child apply skills like these, to their individual difficulties and patterns. This article is deliberately all inclusive to provide our parents with a good overview of the type of skills we want them to develop and start to practice at home.
We found that children and teens who have parents who are actively aware of the skills they are working on, tend to have the best outcomes in their therapy with us.
Emotion Regulation
Emotion regulation refers to the ability to notice, understand and influence our emotional responses so they work for us rather than against us.
Experiencing emotions, is part of being human. It is healthy and natural to have a whole range of feelings, that vary in intensity across different moments. For children and teenagers, their emotional regulation skills are still developing. This is in part due to their inexperience – emotion regulation is something that we can learn when modelled by others around us, or taught directly to us.
Given younger children have less developed brains than older children and teens, they have limitations on how much they can regulate their emotions alone. This is why ‘co-regulation’ where a caregiver provides support, modelling and guidance during the process of self regulation, is a fundamental skill for healthy emotional coping. Hence, parents and caregivers are fundamental to children learning and developing emotion regulation.
As children get older, their brain has greater capacity to learn these skills. That doesn’t mean they will get it right every time, but with guidance, skills and support, they can learn to do better with responding to their emotions.
For children and teens, learning these skills helps them manage strong feelings—such as anxiety, anger, sadness or excitement—without becoming overwhelmed or acting impulsively.
Emotion regulation strategies are the practical tools and techniques that make this possible. Developing these skills builds resilience, improves relationships and supports healthy emotional development.
This handout lays out some simple strategies that you can work with at home with your young person. These strategies show how to help in two ways;
In the Moment – when emotions are already high (help to calm down during “the storm”)
Building Up Skills – daily habits that grow regulation over time (“before-the-storm and preparing for the storm”).
Slowing Down I Before we Teach Emotion Regulation We Need To Do This
One of the big problems for kids and teens today is that society moves too fast. Lives are overscheduled and full of constant stimulation. Their nervous systems - and often their parents’ - live in chronic overarousal. Many kids are already in a subtle state of fight-or-flight before any specific stressor arrives, making them emotionally vulnerable. This fast moving climate also lends to reinforcing an idea that drive and achievement is valued over all else.
Therefore a key foundational strategy is to help kids and families understand the importance of slowing down - giving kids chances to take off the pressure and develop a clear sense of self.
A really important message we try to send to parents and caregivers is that before we can effectively teach young people the skills of emotion regulation, we must first help them slow down and rest. If a young person’s nervous system is constantly “switched on”—whether from the visible demands of school and activities or the quieter pressures of needing to do a good job, be approved of, fit in or avoid trouble—it will be very hard for them to use strategies to cope with big feelings.
A fundamental platform for healthy emotional development is the chance to explore, experience and test things out without constant demands. True rest is critical, giving bodies and minds an opportunity to reset and allowing the nervous system, so often in a state of alert, to turn down. Only when the system senses safety can a young persons’ minds and body genuinely stop, rest and turn off. From an evolutionary perspective, the primitive human nervous system became aroused to warn off real environmental threats, like wild animals. Today those “threats” are more often psychological, but the nervous system responds the same way—until it calms, a young person can not focus on the play, relaxation and connection that support healthy development.
This deep rest also activates the brain’s default mode network (DMN) - the network that comes online when we are not focused on tasks and that supports reflection and emotional integration. Research shows that boys and girls often “rest” differently neurologically. On average, boys show less spontaneous verbal activation of the DMN, and physical movement, such as kicking a ball, riding a bike, quietly tinkering, helps their brains enter this restorative DMN state. Their stress response is more action-oriented, so gross-motor activity such as running, climbing or cycling is often the most effective way for boys to discharge stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.
Girls’ DMN, on the other hand, is typically more strongly linked with language and social circuits, so talking with a trusted person, sharing feelings or gentle co-activities such as baking or crafts helps their DMN “switch on” and process emotions. For girls, relational soothing, such as conversation, eye contact, and touch, promotes oxytocin release, which counteracts stress hormones and supports body-brain recovery. These are broad tendencies, not hard rules: many girls find physical activity restorative and many boys find conversation deeply calming. The key is to notice what actually settles your child and build in regular, unpressured opportunities for that kind of downtime.
For families, helping children slow down may involve parents noticing when they hurry their children or overschedule activities, and deliberately creating space for “time off” from demands. That might mean reducing commitments next term, dropping an activity, or simply allowing time to hang out in a bedroom, chat with family, or even be “bored”, because after a few days of complaining, children typically begin to create, play or rest on their own.
Remember, screen time is not true rest for a child’s mind: while TV or games can be fun, they stimulate rather than quiet the nervous system. The goal is to offer the kind of calm, safe environment—whether through movement, quiet play or relational connection—that lets the nervous system settle, the DMN engage, and emotional growth take root. Doing this regulary can help tremendously and will create an environment where your child can learn the skills of emotional regulation!
EMOTION REGULATION SKILLS
Primary School Children (5-12 year olds)
IN THE MOMENT – When emotions are already high - ‘In the Storm’
Co-regulation is necessary. Co-regulation means that kids learn to calm their bodies and emotions through the support of a calm, attuned adult. Your nervous system helps settle theirs, through your tone of voice, facial expression, breathing, and presence. Until they’re able to regulate on their own. The younger the child, the more direct help is needed to implement these skills.
This can feel tricky for parents who often are themselves overstimulated and dysregulated. If you as a parent are struggling to manage your own emotions, in order to be a co-regulator for your child – have a think about what you need to do to help yourself feel a bit better. All it may take is some time out, time with friends or doing something positive for yourself (exercise, hobbies etc). However, sometimes it feels like nothing is helping and a deeper dive into managing your own emotions and overwhelm may be helpful. Of course, we at Manly Minds can help with this, if you would like to ask for help!
Some strategies to use with your kiddos:
Name it to tame it - Help them label the feeling (“You’re feeling really frustrated”)—naming engages the thinking brain and settles the feeling brain.
In younger kids, name and label and then be steady in your availability to support them. You may say “You are so angry with your sister right now and you just want to throw something”, you stay calm and help them succeed – “we don’t throw things in our home (name the boundary), even if we are upset, so let me help you move to your bedroom, so you don’t hurt anyone”. You can then help them use some of the other strategies below to calm their system.
In an older child, when they are dysregulated, they still need help. They need to ‘borrow your calm’ to be able to access their thinking brain to help them get out of the storm. If you get upset/stressed (emotionally activated), it will be very hard for them to calm down. So at the minimum, you as the parent need to work hard on not reacting to them, but instead remain calm and present, name what you are observing (“I can see you are really angry with me right now” and guide them around what they can do to help themselves when they are angry “maybe you need to go to your bedroom and I’ll come in and check on you in a couple of minutes”).
Body reset: Slow, deep breathing (4-second in, 6-second out), blowing bubbles, or “hot cocoa breathing.” Activates the vagus nerve, turning on the body’s natural brakes. Ground through senses: “5-4-3-2-1” game—name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
Younger children will need you to be with them while they try to use these skills. They will need you to model them, and they will be beside you, initially watching you, and eventually being able to do it with you.
An older child may also need your presence to be able to use skills, however just being in the room and reminding them of the breathing or skills, may be enough for some kids.
Movement break: Jumping jacks, wall push-ups, or a short walk to discharge adrenaline and cortisol. Calm connection: Sit nearby, soft voice, minimal words. Your calm nervous system helps regulate theirs. Use the same strategy as above regarding proximity to be close and guide them as required.
Movement is one of the fastest ways to help a dysregulated child because it directly engages the brainstem and autonomic nervous system, which control arousal and stress responses. Rhythmic or heavy-work movement (like running, jumping, swinging, or pushing) helps discharge excess adrenaline and cortisol while activating the body’s calming parasympathetic pathways. Once the body settles, the thinking parts of the brain can come back online, making it easier for the child to talk, reflect, and problem-solve.
Anxiety Nausea: Anxiety nausea is very common, especially in perfectionistic kids. In the moment, you can help your child to use strategies to calm their sick tummies, whilst also educating them that ‘feeling sick’ is their bodies alarm system trying to keep them safe – but, often the alarm misfires. You can encourage them to remind their body that they are safe by:
Cold water on wrists (or ice when they are really overwhelmed)
Slow sipping of cold water
Peppermint .. smelling, tasting, even squeezing mint in their fingers!
Belly breathing (hand on stomach – try to be mindful, notice the sensations of the breath)
Script: “Your stomach feels tight because your brain thinks something is unsafe. Let’s help your body feel safe.” An important underlying message here is that – you ARE safe, your body is just misreading cues right now, so lets remind it!
Emotional Wave: Emotions (especially anxiety and anger) are like a wave.
"It rises, peaks, and falls — even if you do nothing".
For older kids, they can close their eyes and imagine they are on their most perfect, amazing wave – get them to really get the visual of this (visualisation is powerful, get them to close their eyes, chose their surfboard and paddle out) – and then ask them where their anxiety/emotion is on the wave … is it building, cresting, or are they starting to surf down the face. Help them see that their anxious thoughts and feelings will never stay super high for very long, just like a wave, it can’t hold for long, it will crest and roll and eventually crash down to a ripple of whitewash!
Practice riding it for 2–3 minutes instead of escaping.
Reducing Reassurance Loops (Control Seeking): Some kiddos overwhelm shows as ‘intellectualising’. Some kids are more cognitively attuned. Their mind makes them feel like they need to understand and control in order to feel okay. If you have a child who is struggling with overwhelm or anxiety and therefore feels like they need all the information about everything and repeatedly asks for details, details, details, you can try:
Instead of answering everything they ask - say:
“I can tell you really want certainty. That’s anxiety talking. Let’s practice handling not knowing.”
Then, give 70% of information, leave small unknowns and praise coping, not certainty.
School Morning Micro-Plan: If your kiddos overwhelm often shows itself before school, then it can be very powerful to create a simple, regular routine for the period in which they are struggling. Often this is when it is a new term, or changes or pressures at school.
Create a simple script:
Body calm (breathing)
Small breakfast
One sentence: “I can feel anxious and still go.”
Avoid big discussions in the morning - follow the micro-plan and go!
BUILDING UP LONGER TERM SKILLS: ‘Between the Storms’
Predictable routines & sleep: A well-rested child has a calmer baseline. We all know this, but the benefit of actually implementing the routines consistently, is remarkable both on brain development and behavioural management.
Sleep is important. Kids between 9-12 years need 9-12 hours of sleep and tend to benefit best with more than less. So, that means kids bedtime should be no later than about 8pm if they are waking between 6-7am.
As your child begins to enter puberty, anywhere from 10-13 years old, sleep is even more important. It supports brain connectivity and growth hormone development (which is released almost exclusively during sleep). 12 hours may be best here, and whilst your tween may push for a later bedtime, 8pm still remains a good marker for bedtime in this age group – particularly if they struggling to get up in the morning!
Daily “special time”: Ten minutes of child-led play or conversation builds secure attachment and emotional safety.
Either structure in the time for each of your kids afterschool, or make it a bedtime routine. Whilst us parents are exhausted and over it by bedtime, there is strong research to suggest that giving your child 5 minutes before they go to sleep, to talk to you, share some thoughts etc., is emotionally stabilizing (just make sure you set the limit around time/set a timer, or they will ramble on forever and you will get frustrated!).
Feelings vocabulary practice: Read books about emotions, create a “feelings chart” or Journal.
This sounds basic, but helping them create a language for their feelings is a life long skill that all kids will benefit from when they are teenagers, young adults in relationships and as parents themselves. Some kids who are more sensitive to emotions really benefit from a lot of work in this space. You can help them create their feelings language themselves with pictures, colours and words. Best practice is to do it with them, make it a connection activity, as well as educational.
Mini-mindfulness: One minute of “bubble breathing” or noticing three things you hear/see each day. This is foundational meditation and is also a lifelong skill.
There is good science behind why learning mindfulness is helpful for children and adults alike. For children, it helps them learn regulation by strengthening the brain systems that notice, pause, and calm emotional reactions. When a child practices paying attention to their breath, body, or feelings without judgment, they activate the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that manages impulses, attention, and emotional control. At the same time, mindfulness reduces activation in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm centre, making big feelings less overwhelming.
Over time, mindfulness teaches children to recognise early signs of stress in their body, create space before reacting, and use their breath or attention to settle their nervous system. This builds self-awareness, emotional resilience, and the ability to move from “reacting” to “responding.”
Keep it concrete - 5-Minute Practice:
Sit
Notice breathing
When mind wanders, say: “Thinking.”
Come back to breath.
Frame it as training your brain like sport.
Problem-solving practice: Role-play small conflicts and coach them through naming feelings and brainstorming solutions.
Creative pursuits can help with this – drawing, writing stories, and journaling for older kids, can help them work through their feelings and emotions in a productive way.
For primary school kids, it’s great to actually check in with them around this – ask them about their story, or their picture and try to lend your emotional language to them, so they can learn from you (“it sounds like that person is feeling really angry about that”).
Sometimes boys benefit from Dad’s input here. We want to model to boys that talking, drawing, writing about your feelings and worries is a strength not a weakness. We find it dad’s lead this suggestion, often boys (especially older boys), get a great deal of benefit from journaling.
Cognitive Skills (CBT): When a child starts to get better at taming the emotions, they can access their thinking brain to start to understand and adjust their thoughts and beliefs, which are influencing how they are feeling. There is a magnitude of skills they can learn here, often best utilized with the help of a professional therapist. However, the most important premise or baseline for cognitive work, is educating them that:
Our thoughts are not facts.
Just because your body feels anxious doesn’t mean something bad will happen. Emotions are uncomfortable, not dangerous.
You CAN influence how you feel – you are brave and strong and are bigger than your thoughts and feelings. You get to decide what you believe, what you listen to and how you act.
You have the power to turn the volume down on your yukky thoughts or feelings – all the skills in this handout will help with that!
Teenagers (13-18 year olds)
We often expect a great deal from teenagers because they can appear capable of adult-like reasoning, decision-making and independence. Yet their brains are still very much under construction. During adolescence the brain undergoes a period of intense reorganisation that directly affects both cognition and emotion regulation. The prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for planning, impulse control and weighing long-term consequences—matures gradually and is not fully developed until the mid-20s. At the same time, the limbic system, including the amygdala (which detects threat and generates strong emotional responses), becomes highly active. This imbalance—an emotion centre running “hot” while the rational control centre is still wiring up—makes it harder for teens to stay calm and to manage big feelings, even when they seem capable of adult reasoning.
Powerful neurochemical shifts add to the challenge. From early adolescence, surges of testosterone in boys and oestrogen/progesterone in girls reshape how the brain regulates stress and social connection. Testosterone tends to heighten activity in the amygdala and the motor cortex, priming the body for action and making physical outlets—sport, movement, vigorous play—particularly effective for discharging stress. Oestrogen, in contrast, strengthens connections between the limbic system and language- and social-processing networks in the left hemisphere, encouraging verbal and relational processing of emotions. These hormonal effects interact with ongoing brain plasticity: the teen brain is pruning unused neural pathways and strengthening those most often used, which means that habits of coping and emotional self-management are literally shaping the brain’s architecture.
Recognising these biological realities helps parents, teachers and clinicians set realistic expectations and provide the right supports. Teens benefit when adults understand that apparent “moodiness” or impulsivity often reflects a natural developmental gap between emotional reactivity and cognitive control—not a lack of effort or character. With consistent guidance, opportunities to practise calming strategies, and environments that encourage both physical and relational ways of unwinding, adolescents can gradually build the neural pathways that support mature, resilient emotion regulation.
IN THE MOMENT – When emotions are already high
Pause & breathe: Using a simple technique like box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) helps interrupt the automatic stress response.
For teenagers, slow, structured breathing sends a direct signal to the nervous system to shift out of fight-or-flight, lowering heart rate and calming the amygdala. This creates the internal space needed for clearer thinking and reduces the intensity of big emotions.
Label & validate: Saying something like, “You’re really angry right now, and that makes sense,” helps a teenager feel understood rather than judged.
Naming emotions activates the prefrontal cortex, which naturally reduces the intensity of limbic (emotion-driven) reactions. For teens, this simple step can lower defensiveness, increase trust, and create enough calm for a more rational conversation to happen. You may need to drop this one-liner, and then leave the room for a minute. As you would know as an adult, it can be hard to immediately engage when you are just overwhelmed, so give your teen some space to calm, let them hear your words and let it marinade for a bit before you engage further!
Grounding with movement: Taking a walk, stretching, shaking out the hands, or splashing cold water on the face helps reset the stress response and releases built-up physical tension.
These techniques are especially useful for teenagers because movement directly calms the overactivated limbic system and brings the body out of fight-or-flight. By engaging the muscles and breath, movement creates a quick pathway back to emotional steadiness and clearer thinking.
Sensory regulation: Holding an ice cube, splashing cool water on the face, or using a textured object can quickly pull a teen out of emotional overwhelm and back into the present moment.
These skills come from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and are designed to help teenagers interrupt intense emotional states, settle their nervous system, and regain a sense of control. By giving the brain a strong, immediate sensory signal, these strategies create enough mental space for clearer thinking and healthier choices to become possible.
Connection before correction: A calm adult presence, listening first, helps teens feel seen.
Remember, often challenging teen behaviour is a bid of attention. Not in an ‘attention-seeking’, manipulative way, but the way their brains react to their need to feel seen, heard and listened to. This is why connection with family/parents and meaningful adults remains fundamentally important to a teenagers healthy emotional and psychological development. If they are reaching out, but we as parents respond with 'control', they will resist this, and instead will feel like you are not listening or understanding them - resulting in a slow shut down - which is not what we want!
Even in crisis, it is never too late to reconnect; teen brains remain plastic and deeply wired for attachment.
BUILDING UP LONGER TERM SKILLS
Consistent “check-ins”: Spending even ten minutes a day with your teen—on their terms, without agenda or judgement—is one of the most effective, powerful and simple strategy to help build regulation.
These predictable moments of connection strengthen the parent–teen relationship, reinforce feelings of safety, and support healthy brain development. Regular check-ins help stabilise the limbic system, build trust, and create an ongoing space where teens are more likely to talk, reflect, and seek support before problems escalate. If your teen isn't keen to share, then just hang out, do what they want to do, show interest in the activity they are engaging in, even if they are not proactive in sharing - just be there!
Healthy digital habits: Creating screen curfews and tech-free zones—especially in the hour before bed—helps protect sleep, mood, and emotional regulation.
There are many reasons having boundaries around digital habits is important for your teenagers mental health However in the context of emotion regulation, for teenagers, late-night screen use disrupts melatonin release, overstimulates the brain’s reward circuits, and heightens emotional reactivity. Consistent digital boundaries support healthier circadian rhythms, better concentration, and more stable mood throughout the day. Try to work with your teen in setting these limits, rather than 'telling' them what the rule is.
Physical foundation: Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, good sleep—all directly stabilise mood.
Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and consistent sleep directly stabilise a teen’s mood and stress response. These habits support healthy neurotransmitter function, regulate cortisol, and strengthen the developing prefrontal cortex. Ask for help if you don't know what the best habits are for your teen. You and them can get educated together - which can be a great connection exercise, but also a life long skill for your teen.
Mind–body practices: Yoga, mindfulness apps, journaling; CBT or ACT techniques from therapy sessions.
Activities like yoga, mindfulness apps, breathing practices, or journaling help teens connect body and mind. These strategies reduce amygdala reactivity, increase self-awareness, and reinforce coping skills.
Creating habits to practice skills they may be learning in therapy is also very important. Skills learnt in therapy need to be applied in their ‘real world’ to be most effective!
Identity & purpose: Support hobbies, volunteering, sports, creative projects—these build self-worth and resilience (“grit”).
Encouraging hobbies, sports, creative projects, or volunteering helps teens build a strong sense of self and resilience. These experiences activate the brain’s reward and social networks, strengthen motivation pathways, and increase long-term wellbeing.
There are also several protective factors attached to these pursuits, helpful a teenager feel a sense of belonging in the world, feeling like a productive and meaningful member of society and triggering them to experience the positive feelings of altruism.
Values & Identity Work
Older kids and teenagers naturally go through a significant development stage attached to their identity and sense of self. If a young person experiences a failure or some significant event that makes them question their sense of self, this can lead to heighten emotions and often they need some direction to move through this identity formation phase.
This can be quite common for high achievers who often collapse identity into performance – and then experience the reality that perhaps they will not always be the ‘best’. We can help them gain a more balanced sense of self by aligning them to their values.
Values work -
You can do this with a 1:1 conversation. Ask:
“What kind of friend do you want to be?”
“What kind of teammate?”
“What kind of student in Year X”
Write down answers. Then ask:
“How could you practise that this week?”
Shift from: Outcome → Character.
A great way to do this is with the whole family. Set up a family meeting, and ask all the family members (even littlies), to write 1-2 values they think is important to them and the family. Things like – honesty, fun, kindness etc may come up and you as a family unit can talk about how each person can embody these values in small ways, in their day to day life.
Identity Work –
Help your child create an ‘Identity Pie’.
Draw a circle. Each area needs to represent a % of the pie. The % is how much they identify this as part of who they are.
Divide into slices – they will likely need some help with the categories. We are trying to integrate ‘strengths’ work here, so help them think about what they are good at, what they enjoy, what other people say/think about them etc. You can make suggestions, but try to get them to come up with some.
Sporty
A Friend
A Family member (son/daughter/brother/sister etc)
Student
Leader
Hobbyist
Funny guy
etc.
If one area takes up 70%+, that’s the problem. We want a nice balanced pie. Help your child diversify their strengths and their sense of self.
Structured Journaling: 10 minutes, 3x per week.
Some kids love to write, journal, scribble their thoughts down. It can be helpful as a venting exercise and to help the brain organize ideas. The research suggests that structured journalling is a really helpful tool in helping a child develop cognitive flexibility – the ability to be able to notice the unhelpful thoughts your mind may give you, and to create alternative stories / thoughts. Adults benefit greatly from this exercise, but so do kiddos.
Keep it simple.
Template:
1. What happened today? (Just facts.)
2. What did my brain say about it? (“I’m bad.” “They don’t like me.”)
3. Is there another possible explanation?
4. What would I say to a friend in this situation?
5. How do I wish I thought and felt about this?
6. Is it possible to think about this differently now? If not, who can I talk to about this to get some more help?
Family openness: Discuss mental health as normal and help-seeking as strength; model your own coping skills.
Talking about emotions and mental health as normal parts of life and modelling your own healthy coping, creates a protective environment. Open, supportive family communication reduces shame, strengthens co-regulation, and helps teens feel safe asking for help when they truly need it.
Research shows that teens are more likely to be ‘resilient’ if it has been modelled to them by trusted adults. Sharing your own struggles both in the now, as well as stories of your childhood, can be empowering, validating and enduring for the developing teenager.
We like to encourage regular family dinners as a way to activate this. Even once a week will be a meaningful opportunity to have shared experiences, openness and connection.
In Summary
Help children and teens build emotional strength through a two-track approach: offer immediate calming tools while fostering long-term habits that strengthen their 'emotional muscles'.
Remember that connection is medicine—your calm, consistent presence is the most powerful regulator, at any age. It’s never too late to rebuild trust and safety; the developing brain remains open to new patterns throughout childhood and adolescence.
Above all, slow down and create daily opportunities for true rest. Children’s and teens’ nervous systems need quiet, unstructured time to reset, and boys and girls often recharge differently, and there are individual differences too. some through solitary downtime, others through relational connection—so support the kind of rest that works best for your child or teen as the foundation to their mental health needs.
There are a lot of skills here! In therapy, we can help you understand which of these skills is most important for your child or teen and the difficulties they are presenting with, and we can target specific strategies to their needs.
Read our other foundational articles to find out more about how we, at Manly Minds, use these insights to support children and teens mental health and psychological therapy.



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