Big feelings: a 3-step plan for parents

Anger, anxiety, frustration, excitement, tears over the wrong coloured cup, a slammed bedroom door, “You don’t understand!” shouted from the hallway. If you’re raising children, you’re living with emotion on full volume. But the fact that your child is having big feelings is not necessarily the problem, it's that their brains are still learning what to do with them.

Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves. They learn regulation through co-regulation, borrowing the calm of a steady adult until their own nervous system can do the job independently. Really what this means, is they need help to regulate, until they have learnt the skills to do it independently. We find that whilst kids can start to regulate better independently as they reach later primary school, they are still building the skills and needing support, up to late teens!

However, there are some things we as parents can do to help! Here is a simple, research-informed 3-step plan you can use at home with your kids, to help support their emotional development.

STEP 1 - Slow Everything Down (Before the Storm)

One of the biggest challenges facing children today isn’t behaviour. It’s pace. Busy weeks. after-school activities, homework, screens, social pressures, early mornings and late nights. A child's primate nervous system was not designed to tolerate such constant input. As such, we are seeing an epidemic of overwhelmed kids. Whilst their brains are still under construction and not set up to manage high emotion anyway, in today's world, they now have an environment of pressure that overwhelms their little systems very quick.

I often see children who look “defiant” or “anxious,” but when we gently peel back the layers, what’s really underneath is a nervous system that hasn’t had a chance to rest. When a child is already living in subtle fight-or-flight, it doesn’t take much to tip them over - a simple request, a  sibling conflict, a transition … Boom!

Before we teach coping skills, we need to create capacity.

True rest:

• Turns down stress hormones

• Allows the nervous system to reset

• Activates the brain’s Default Mode Network (the reflective, integrating part of the brain)

  
  

Rest doesn’t always look like lying still. Some kids regulate through movement. The child  who “can’t sit still” might calm beautifully after kicking a ball or riding their bike. Other children regulate through talking and connection.  A 20-minute chat in the car can reset an entire day. There’s no one-size-fits-all. The question is:  What genuinely settles your child?

Slowing down might mean:

• Dropping one extracurricular next term

• Protecting sleep fiercely (9–12 hours for primary schoolers)

• Allowing boredom

• Creating regular “no demand” time

  
  

You cannot build emotional skills on an exhausted nervous system, so start here! It seems simple, but it can be remarkably powerful.

STEP 2 - Calm the Storm (In the Moment)

When emotions are high, logic doesn’t work first. Connection does. If your child is yelling, crying, slamming doors, or refusing - the thinking brain is offline. Here’s some things that can help in the moment. 

1. Co-regulate First

Your nervous system sets the tone. If you escalate, their bodies move more deeply into dysregulation. So start by giving them the best chance to settle - lower your voice, slow your breathing, use fewer words and stay close without lecturing. This signals to your child's brain that they are safe, and allows their brain to switch out of flight-and-fight, into calm. It might take some time, so try to be consistent and hold your cool.

2. Name it to Tame it

   
   

When your child is melting down, often our instinct as parents is to shut it down as quickly as possible. We feel like we need to take back control, get things back on track, stop the noise! As such, our immediate reaction is to often to actually shut down the emotion "come on, you are being silly" 'What's wrong with you, calm down".

However, when we name emotion (ie. “you’re really frustrated", "you’re so disappointed, "that felt unfair”), we activate the thinking brain and reduce intensity. You’re not agreeing with behaviour. You’re acknowledging the feeling underneath it. This immediately disarms the emotion and helps your child feel heard, which allows them to start to consider management, rather than raging.

3. Reset the Body

   
   

Emotions are physical. You may see the clenched fists, the stiff body, the tearful eyes. We have to help the body first. Movement can be very powerful here. It discharges stress hormones and helps the brain rebalance.

Try:

• 4 seconds in, 6 seconds out breathing

• “Hot cocoa breathing” (smell it, cool it)

• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding

• Wall push-ups

• Jumping jacks

• Cold water on wrists

4. Ride the Wave

   
   

I tell kids:  “Emotions are like waves. They rise, peak, and fall. If your kid has tried surfing, body boarding or even just likes to swim at the beach - they will relate to the idea that the wave never stays at its highest point for long, it curves and then falls and breaks - and our emotions, even our strongest ones, are exactly the same. 

Most intense emotions last 90 seconds to 3 minutes if we don’t fuel them. Our job is not to make the wave disappear. It’s to help them stay on the surfboard.

Sitting beside your child while they cry — without trying to fix it — is powerful emotional training. With my older kids or teens, I get them to track their emotional waves over a week and see how long it takes for their wave to start to curve and fall … the more they follow it (which really is a subtle mindfulness skill), the quicker it tends to turn into just a ripple of a feeling, rather than an out of control tsunami. 

STEP 3 - Build Emotional Muscles (Between Storms)

Emotion regulation is like strength training. You don’t build it mid-meltdown. You build it through small, consistent practice.

1. Daily "special time'

Try for ten minutes per day, without agenda, teaching, or correcting. Just follow their lead, let them chose what to do and go with it. This builds safety and connection, which is the foundation of regulation. When children feel safe with us, their nervous system softens. This is particularly important for those families out there that are super busy. There is never a convenient time to hang with your child because there is so much to do. The only way around this is to consciously and deliberately create this space - so give it a try.

2. Expand Feelings Vocabulary

Children cannot manage what they cannot name. Instead of just “mad” or “sad,” help them learn more conplex language like disappointed, embarrassed, left out, overwhelmed, nervous, proud. A really simple way to help your child learn emotional language, is to model it through describing your own experience. It is very meaningful for kids to hear and understand that you, their parents, feel all kinds of emotions too, but that you are okay and can manage.

You can also try;

• Emotion charts

• Books

• Drawing

• Storytelling

• Journaling

3. Mindfulness

Even one minute of noticing your breathing, strengthens the prefrontal cortex and reduces emotional reactivity.

Keep it simple: Sit. Notice the breath. When the mind wanders, gently say “thinking.” Come back.

I often frame it for kids as “training your brain like sport.” They tend to like this, it makes sense to them and they can relate to the idea that they are building their brain muscles. This can then help set up a daily practice!

4. Teach the Core Cognitive Skills

Over time, children need to learn some basic psychological ideas. A really important one is that their thoughts are not facts - and should be questioned. That their emotions are uncomfortable, but are not dangerous and that you can influence how you feel. This is powerful stuff, and understanding alone is transformative. It is never too early to start talking about these concepts, slowly their brains will make better sense of it and you can be more deliberate about explaining these concepts. These are life-long learnings that all children need to understand to have a healthy relationship with themselves and the world.

Helping children regulate emotions isn’t about removing feelings. It’s about slowing the nervous system and co-regulating through connection, practising skills consistently and creating emotional safety. You do not have to do this perfectly. You just have to be steady enough. Connection is medicine. Your calm, consistent presence is the most powerful regulation tool your child has.